I decided to read this book after watching this video some months ago. As I am not able to make a move in my dating live… and it is nearly 6y. I know I am not going to discover the grail of dating but at least I can try to refresh ideas, find encouragement, you name it, to start the work.
The book is crystal clear. Get your shit together, know yourself, know what you want, know what you dont want, dont fall in some traps, etc.
One of the things that I have collected and stays with me so far, it is the importance of having a “tribe” a.k.a a social network. And maybe this is not the most important point in the book. Still, I have a very small tribe, they are few but they are the best. So I have to work in increase my social network, and that is not just good for dating.
Something I have been doing in the last months is going to Bachata social dancing on Wednesdays after class and Saturday nights. It is hard for me. It is getting out our my confort zone. But this is the only way to improve, and it is not just improving my bachata skills. It is being comfortable being uncomfortable, knowing that you may be rejected when asking for a dance, or dancing once with a person and that person will not want to dance with you (because I am not a good dancer) again. But step by step (literally) is getting a bit better. Still long way to go, but I must carry on. Sometimes I talk to people so it is good. I feel less weird in those moments because you are coming on your own (and I am not the only one) and looks like everybody is having a good time and socialising.
Chapter 1
Identify and understand your attachment style: I am fearful-avoidant. But I would like to be Secure.
The village/tribe concept: Until not long ago (maybe when online dating started), your dating pool was around your social circle. It can be a tribe, a village, your neighbourhood, work, sport, etc. And your close members of that tribe will want the best for your.
Be clear about your goal in the relationship: short-term, long-term, family, etc
Chapter 2
You have to know yourself, that means work on you and go through your traumas, problems, etc and heal. Then you can start dating properly, as you will have a better vision (less noise). Have an open mind and be a lifelong learner to be your best self.
Soulmates are made not found.
Chapter 3
1st Be happy with yourself + self awareness -> successful relationship
=>
Good relationship -> makes you happier/healthier
Chapter 4
We are living in a changing world so we have to adapt and find the best approach to find our partner. And that includes online dating
Chapter 5
This is basic statistics and probability. The more people you can meet, the more chances you will have to find a partner. This is your job. And way to increase your social reach is using “those” weak connections (a friend you dont see often, a place, etc)
Chapter 6
Say what you want, be intentional. First impressions are important so make a strong one (I am going to struggle here). Work in your “social capital”: identify the things in your life you are passionate about and work towards becoming exceptional at them, and the important thing, it is not the goal, it is the journey.
Chapter 7: Green Flags
What you want and what you need are not the same. This applies to dating too. So make rational decisions about the criteria for your partner. There is a reference to Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages“. It is important to identify them, and they dont have to match. But they are not all.
Green Flags:
- Emotional Fitness
- Courageous Vision:
- Resilient Resourcefulness:
- Open-minded Understanding:
- Compassionate Support
Summary here: Choose someone who matches your values, who will challenge you to grow and has the character to be for the good and bad times.
Chapter 8: Red Flags
Value your self-worth and refuse to settle for anything less than you deserve. That means you have to be very honest with your self and do the work.
Read Flags: Narcissism, Psychopathy, Machiavellianism and Sadism
Chapter 9: Commitment
Four elements of commitment readiness: trust, effective conflict resolution, high relationship satisfaction and not thinking there are better options available (you will be forever in the “game”)
Three things to make a relationship to work in the long term:
- No Defensiveness, No Stonewalling, No Criticism, No Contempt
- Relationship equity
- Feeling your are becoming better, your best self
And you need to talk about all the above with your partner -> that means assertiveness and courage.