Very good ebook.
Three types of conversation
- Do you want to be helped? – What’s this really about? Decision Making mindset. Lean into data and reasoning
What does everyone want? How will we make choices together?
How to figure out what this is really about? First, recognize that this is a negotiation. Next determine what does everyone want? Then how will we make choices together?
- Do you want to be hugged? – How do we feel? Emotional mindset. Lean into stories and compassion
Ask questions -> creates vulnerability -> triggers emotional contagion -> elicits connection -> prompt more questions ….
In a conflict, we learn why are fighting by discussing emotions.
In a conflict, we draw out emotions by proving we are listening.
In a conflict, we prove we are listening by looping for understanding: ask questions, summarize what you heard, ask if you got it right.
In a conflict, focus in controlling:
- Yourself
- Your environment
- The conflict boundaries
Check mood and energy!
- Do you want to be heard? – Who are we? Social mindset
We all posses social identities that shape how we speak and hear.
how to talk about who we are:
- Draw out multiple identities
- Put everyone on equal footing
- Create a new group by building on existing identities
Be aware of this loop:
Telling someone they belong to a group they abhor -> triggers identity threat -> causes defensiveness -> prompts counter-attacks -> leads to telling someone they belong to a group they abhor -> loop
Before discussion:
- What do you hope to accomplish?
- How will this conversation start?
- What obstacles might emerge?
- When those obstacles appear, what’s the plan?
- What are the benefits of this dialogue?
Rules:
- Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring (above)
- Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking: prepare for the conversation. Ask many questions!
- Ask about others’ feelings, and share your own
- Explore if identities are important to this discussion.
The examples of “The Big Bang Theory” (how do you hear emotions no one says aloud?,) the court case, guns ownership, anti-vax, COVID, football team, netflix (no-rules), etc are really good.