This book was a gift from a very good friend. It has been an interesting read as it has helped me to put labels to my own behaviours and explain some situations in my last (and only) relationship.
The book states there are mainly three type of behaviours in relationships
- Secure: comfortable with intimacy and communicating.
- Avoidant: dont want to get to close for fear to lose independency
- Anxious: too preoccupied and overthinking the relationship, requires lot of closeness.
In my case I am mainly avoidant, and I realised that my ex-girlfriend was anxious. And funny enough, it seems the statistics say this is the common common couple because there are few “secure” in the market and relationships between members of the same group are really uncommon. I actually laughed at this! But I think it is quite true.
The goal is not becoming overnight a secure person but to communicate needs from each side to make the gap smaller.
And from other side, people evolve, change for good and bad. So if you are secure doesnt mean you are always going to be secure, if you attachment fires in a weird way to you can end in a bad situation.
While reading this, I was analyzing myself and my former relationship and was funny how many things started to make sense.
Another thing, attachment is not love. That was a relief. Before my former relationship, I got hit by another person and that made me feel like a puppet, I felt like nothing and I hit rock bottom. But that helped me to work on myself seriously. And this can happen to anybody…
And bad attachments can be difficult to break…
Although, this is not just extremes. I think I have been secure in several points but now I have understand myself better and I think I would act better in a new relationship.
As well, this knowledge helps you to filter potential partners or actual ones. So it can help you to improve your relationship.
At the end of the day, (as usual, I am always trying to find the universal truth in books), everything is reduced to communication. Express your needs openly. Make the relationships a two way street that goes to places.